C.S. Lewis on Pain

I'm reading the Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis for a class, and wanted to share some insight from him on his own experience of pain, and why he thinks it is necessary.  It's actually quite insightful.  I highly encourage reading and then reflecting upon how we are in our own lives with God.  If you haven't read this book, you should.  It's brilliant. 

"I am progressing along the path of life in my ordinary contentedly fallen and godless condition, absorbed in a merry meeting with my friends for the morrow or a bit of work that tickles my vanity today, a holiday or a new book, when suddenly a stab of abdominal pain that threatens serious disease, or a headling in the newspapers that threatens us all with destruction, sends this whle pack of cards tumbling down.  At first I am overwhelmed, and all my little happineesses look like broken toys.  Then, slowly and reluctantly, bit by bit, I try to bring myself into the frame of mind that I should be in at all times.  I remind myself that all these toys were never intended to possess my heart, that my true good is in another world and my only real treasure is Christ.  And perhaps, by God's grace, I succeed, and for a day or two become a creature consiciously dependent on God and drawing its strength from the right sources.  But the moment the threat is withdrawn, my whole nature leaps back to the toys:  I am even anxious to banish from my mind the only thing that supported me under the threat because it is now associated with the misery of those few days.  Thus the terrible necessity of tribulation is only too clear.  God has had me for but fourty-eight hours and then only by dint of taking everything else away from me.  Let Him but sheathe that sword for a moment and I behave like a puppy when the hated bath is over--I shake myself as dry as I can and race off to reacquire my comfortable dirtiness, if not in the nearest manure heap, at least in the nearest flower bed.  And that is why trulations cannot cease until God either sees us remade or sees that our remaking is now hopeless."   


Side note:  As Lewis talks about often in his book, do we only come to God when we are in need, as a last resort, or to avoid certain pains?  If so, reguardless, God, in His humility, still eagerly accepts us. Something to think about: when our lives are going well, and everything is as it should be, do we still need Him, or want Him?

Somewhere in between...

If you know me, you should know by now, I am more open in my writing than any other time.  Often my openness risks so much, especially with those I care about, and want to care about me.  People often don't like to hear truth, myself included.  Especially when that truth is ugly, uncomfortable, etc..  It's easy to be ok; to want to hear and say all good things.  It's not so easy or wonderful to talk about pain or unhappiness.  As Christians, especially, we want to hear about God's faithfulness, not how we are questioning things He says.  Yet, none of us are perfect, we all have struggles, and life is often messy. 

To quote Michael Yaconelli, "My life is a mess...Right now the only consistency in my life is my inconsistency.  Who I want to be and who I am are not very close together."  "Our churches are filled with people who outwardly look contented and at peace but inwardly are crying out for someone to love them...just as they are--confused, frustrated, often frightened, guilty, and often unable to communicate even within their own families.  But the other people in the church look so happy and contented that one seldom has the courage to admit his own deep needs before such a self-sufficient group as the average church meeting appears to be," Keith Miller. 

One thing I'm often told is that I'm strong.  Also, I've learned in the last year that I am brave.  Someone who is strong and brave has the likelihood of being courageous.  So, courageous I will be.  I will share my heart, no matter how ugly or beautiful, no matter the risk, no matter who may see it.  You'll either like me or hate me.  As I've learned from someone dear to me, either is ok.  It's your choice.  I will strive to be ME, regardless. 

As some of you may know, I am on a new path of self discovery.  I've spent my whole life being who everyone else has wanted me to be, trying to prove myself worthy.  I have never taken the time to just be me, the me God made, whoever she may be.  Well, it's finally time to stop pretending, and live the life God intended for me.  If only it were that easy.

You see, it's difficult to discover who God made me to be when I can't get past the me I've become.  I've been trapped in a life I didn't want for so long, I can't seem to find my way out of it.  It seems the moment I'm about to be free I find another locked door.  There are things in my life that hold me back.  Things that remind me over and over how unworthy, worthless, and unlovable I am.  I can't seem to break past that.  It's costing me my family, friends, and my life.  No matter how much I love God, and how much good I want to do for His Kingdom, life is not worth living if I don't matter. 

I know, I know, there are many in my life who think I matter.  You see, there lies the problem.  There are three things I long for more than anything in my life.  Three things I was created to be.  Without those things, nothing else matters to me.  One in particular ruins all hope I have.  It's the desire that lies behind my deepest pain.  The desire I can't seem to ignore or get rid of.  It's what keeps my soul in torment day after day.  If there was any weapon Satan could use to destroy me, this is it.  Nothing pierces sharper or deeper, or causes more pain, than my desire to be a daughter.  It lies at the core of everything I've ever wanted, and still want.  It's all that matters, and I'll never have it. 

So here I rest, lost in the dark of my own pain, giving up the hope that I'll see the light shine once again.  As I contradict everything I opened with, I am faced with a question...Can I learn to live with the pain, hopeless of ever feeling whole, or do I give up and lay down where I am?  How strong and brave am I really?  Because, to be honest, I don't know how much more I can endure, and I'm more afraid than I've ever been.   

A Prayer

http://youtu.be/3YxaaGgTQYM

"Bring Me To Life"(feat. Paul McCoy)

How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core where I’ve become so numb
Without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

now that I know what I’m without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

Bring me to life
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)
Bring me to life

frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
only you are the life among the dead

all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

(Bring me to life)
I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside
(Bring me to life)