Picking My Weeds But Keeping The Flowers

"I feel locked in a dark place all alone.  I'm screaming as loud as I can and no one hears.  No one even knows where I am.  I'm fighting so hard.  I just want out.  God please help me find a way out.  I'm laying on the floor surrounded by silence.  The only sound is my mind screaming my worthlessness at me.  I try to defend myself only to be struck down and destroyed by the lies I believe.  I'm out of strength to quiet my mind, need to release all that's inside.  What I see is all that reminds me I'm alive.  I lay quet now and close my eyes ready to give-up.  Is it too late?  Will God hang on?  Please God, come and deliver me."

14 months ago (July 2010) I wrote this during my last attempt to find hope.  After four Grace Encounter Journeys and 13 months of counseling it is safe to say that God NEVER let go.  He heard my cries and came to my rescue.  I never saw Him or heard His voice.  But, I did hear His truths spoken through others.  I saw His face of compassion in the eyes of those around me.  I felt His comforting touch through friends.  He poured His love and grace over me through new family.  The Holy Spirit nudges my heart which in turn influences my mind.  Little thoughts or feelings here and there...a glorious act of nature...a story of redemption and love...lives living out bold faith...getting excited about service...the words I read that God spoke to those who've come before us...these are the times I see and hear God.  It's in these times, that no matter the doubts, I can't help but turn to Him and thank Him for all He's done.  I can't help but be drawn to a cause greater than myself.  To desire a relationship with the God who breathed everything into being. 

14 months ago my heart ached to be with my "Father" in Heaven.  That longing has not supressed.  There are still days I fight to stay strong.  Times all I see is void and hopeless.  There are fears that still overwhelm.  Lies I struggle to replace.  I still turn back to old ways.  But now there is something inside me that has been rekindled.  A lifeless soul up from the grave.  I realize I was created with a purpose.  A calling I can't ignore.  My heart beats for my Maker.  My life was made to sing His praise and bring glory to His name.  I long to bring hope and healing to the wounded.  To shower love and grace over those who need to experience the goodness of God.  My heart may always be troubled.  The lies may never subside.  But I will hold fast and press on toward the goal that is God's.  I will do my best to live faithful, trusting, and courageous.  Hoping He has so much more planned for me than my feeble mind could ever create.  I am His and I will continue down this journey to find my true heart in Him.  Letting Him mold me and use me as He sees fit along the way.  Hoping one day I'll reach the end and find myself being held safe in His arms.              

"I could crash and burn, but maybe, at the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me...so here I go."

I'm a FIGHTER!

"It doesn't matter what you tried to do, you couldn't destroy me.  I'm still standing!  I'm still strong!  And I always will be," Antwone Fisher.

As some of you know, today I began a new challenge for myself over the course of the semester.  I will be focusing on one word a day, 5 days a week, from now through finals week December 12th, 2011.  I have put 64 words in a jar and will be randomly drawing one each day.  That day my focus will be on repeating the truth of that word, practicing the action (if applicable), as well as learning what that word means as it applies to myself and my life.  There are many hopes, reasons, or goals for doing this.  First, I need to learn to take life one day at a time focusing on the moment rather than the past or future.  Second, I hope to work on bettering the way I treat others, and especially the way I treat myself.  Third, I want to focus on God's truth rather than the enemy's lies.  All of this I want so that I may obtain the goal of taking a step (or two) forward in MY life.  Also, to take captive my thoughts and actions.  I know it won't be easy.  Some words I know I will come across are difficult to face.  Some truths are difficult to believe.  Some behaviors are especially difficult to have towards certain people.  But that's why we practice, isn't it?! 

As I said, today is day one of this new adventure.  I think the word I (or maybe God) chose today is the perfect word to kick start this whole thing.  My first word for today is 'FIGHTER.'  Thanks to someone very dear to me, I have a new theme song for my life, Fighter by Christina Aguilera.  I find the lyrics of this song perfect to celebrate what the start of this challenge means.  I've had several people in my life who have used and abused me; physically, sexually, mentally and emotionally.  Loved ones who have tried to make me insignificant, unworthy, shamed, hopeless, lost.  I've been made a hidden secret, a mere guilty pleasure, the cause of sinful actions.  I've been controlled, limited, and chained.  Some tried to keep me silent, believing lies instead of truth, as they lay blame and play the victim.  Others have tried to make me weak, unable to stand on my own, fully dependent on their control.  Well I'm here to say, it didn't work. 

At the root of every good thing I do, and every success I achieve, will be the hate you had for me and the pain you inflicted.  All of the pain, fears, unmet longings, disappointmens, demeaning words, broken pieces of my heart...all the times you lied to me...the things you stole from me...the countless nights I cried alone...these will be my strength to stand tall.  These will be what drives and motivates me to be different, to rise above.  I will no longer allow myself to be used and found worthless because of you.  God has used your sin to give me wings.  All the evil you did will only bring more glory to His name.  The story you helped create will be one that God uses to change lives, bring hope to the hopeless, and healing to the wounded.  I'm learning to break free from your chains.  One day I'll fly free, high above your destruction.  I may be your target, but you don't own me.  Your arrows may pierce and even bring pain, but they won't bring me down.  "I won't bend, I won't break. I won't back down,"  I will not be destroyed by your selfishness and greed.  I'm stronger than that.  I'm wiser.  I'm a fighter.  This is MY time.  This is MY life.                 

          You were there by my side, always down for the ride
          But your joy ride came down in flames cause your greed sold me out in shame
          Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do, I wouldn't know
          Just how capable I am to pull through
          Never saw it coming, all of your backstabbing
          Just so you could cash in on a good thing before I'd realize your game
          I heard you're going round play, the victim now
          But don't even begin feeling I'm the one to blame
          Cause you dug your own grave
          If it wasn't for all of your torture
          I wouldn't know how to be this way now and never back down
          Could only see the good in you
          Pretend not to know the truth
          You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
          Through living in denial
          But in the end you'll see
          YOU-WONT-STOP-ME
          I am a fighter and I
          I ain't gonna stop
          There is no turning back
          I've had enough
        


         

 

Finding Wings: The Father Issue

This may be a little jumbled and random, but I am too tired tonight to be perfect.  I have been reflecting on a lot lately.  I'm in the process of trying to make some changes for myself and my life.  My mind has been overflowing with thoughts, plans, desires, wants, needs, etc.  It's making it difficult to concentrate on anything else.  Tonight especially, I've been trying to catch up on some homework.  However,I can only seem to keep my mind on one thing, my father. 

I've been contemplating what life would be like if he was around; if he wanted me.  I wonder what he is doing, where he lives, and what his new family is like.  I wonder how he is with his children he kept.  I wonder what he would be like with a daughter; with me.  I wonder if he has another daughter, or if I'm his only one.  If he was here, would we be able to talk about anything, even if it wasn't important?  Would he ever hold me?  Would he call me beautiful?  Would I be his? 

It's been nine years, this month, since I have seen or heard from him.  I often wonder what it would be like to be excited about marriage rather than afraid, because I know my father won't be there to walk me down the isle.  Or what it would be like to have the security in knowing, if my car breaks down I have someone to call.  When I need something fixed, or need protection from a boy, who will be there?  Until a little over two years ago, I had someone who did all those things.  God brought me someone who wanted to be there for me when I needed, talked with me for hours about anything, played games with me, warned me about boys, swore to protect me, stayed up with me, held me, kissed me on the forehead, and called me daughter.  But he left too, and now, once again, I'm left defenseless and scared; left searching, wanting, and hoping for something that's not there.   

To live in reality for a moment, I know 'maybe' didn't happen.  I'll probably never know what could have been.  The pain and emptiness of the situation sucks.  But, if for nothing else, I am thankful that I can now know and understand hurts that not everyone can.  I will face my own demons, and heal from my own wounds, so some day I can help another girl like me find her wings.  And when she does I'll get to watch her soar.  I imagine that would be a beautiful sight to behold.  Maybe it's worth the pain just to see who I might become, and to see how God can use a mess like me. 

C.S. Lewis on Pain

I'm reading the Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis for a class, and wanted to share some insight from him on his own experience of pain, and why he thinks it is necessary.  It's actually quite insightful.  I highly encourage reading and then reflecting upon how we are in our own lives with God.  If you haven't read this book, you should.  It's brilliant. 

"I am progressing along the path of life in my ordinary contentedly fallen and godless condition, absorbed in a merry meeting with my friends for the morrow or a bit of work that tickles my vanity today, a holiday or a new book, when suddenly a stab of abdominal pain that threatens serious disease, or a headling in the newspapers that threatens us all with destruction, sends this whle pack of cards tumbling down.  At first I am overwhelmed, and all my little happineesses look like broken toys.  Then, slowly and reluctantly, bit by bit, I try to bring myself into the frame of mind that I should be in at all times.  I remind myself that all these toys were never intended to possess my heart, that my true good is in another world and my only real treasure is Christ.  And perhaps, by God's grace, I succeed, and for a day or two become a creature consiciously dependent on God and drawing its strength from the right sources.  But the moment the threat is withdrawn, my whole nature leaps back to the toys:  I am even anxious to banish from my mind the only thing that supported me under the threat because it is now associated with the misery of those few days.  Thus the terrible necessity of tribulation is only too clear.  God has had me for but fourty-eight hours and then only by dint of taking everything else away from me.  Let Him but sheathe that sword for a moment and I behave like a puppy when the hated bath is over--I shake myself as dry as I can and race off to reacquire my comfortable dirtiness, if not in the nearest manure heap, at least in the nearest flower bed.  And that is why trulations cannot cease until God either sees us remade or sees that our remaking is now hopeless."   


Side note:  As Lewis talks about often in his book, do we only come to God when we are in need, as a last resort, or to avoid certain pains?  If so, reguardless, God, in His humility, still eagerly accepts us. Something to think about: when our lives are going well, and everything is as it should be, do we still need Him, or want Him?

Somewhere in between...

If you know me, you should know by now, I am more open in my writing than any other time.  Often my openness risks so much, especially with those I care about, and want to care about me.  People often don't like to hear truth, myself included.  Especially when that truth is ugly, uncomfortable, etc..  It's easy to be ok; to want to hear and say all good things.  It's not so easy or wonderful to talk about pain or unhappiness.  As Christians, especially, we want to hear about God's faithfulness, not how we are questioning things He says.  Yet, none of us are perfect, we all have struggles, and life is often messy. 

To quote Michael Yaconelli, "My life is a mess...Right now the only consistency in my life is my inconsistency.  Who I want to be and who I am are not very close together."  "Our churches are filled with people who outwardly look contented and at peace but inwardly are crying out for someone to love them...just as they are--confused, frustrated, often frightened, guilty, and often unable to communicate even within their own families.  But the other people in the church look so happy and contented that one seldom has the courage to admit his own deep needs before such a self-sufficient group as the average church meeting appears to be," Keith Miller. 

One thing I'm often told is that I'm strong.  Also, I've learned in the last year that I am brave.  Someone who is strong and brave has the likelihood of being courageous.  So, courageous I will be.  I will share my heart, no matter how ugly or beautiful, no matter the risk, no matter who may see it.  You'll either like me or hate me.  As I've learned from someone dear to me, either is ok.  It's your choice.  I will strive to be ME, regardless. 

As some of you may know, I am on a new path of self discovery.  I've spent my whole life being who everyone else has wanted me to be, trying to prove myself worthy.  I have never taken the time to just be me, the me God made, whoever she may be.  Well, it's finally time to stop pretending, and live the life God intended for me.  If only it were that easy.

You see, it's difficult to discover who God made me to be when I can't get past the me I've become.  I've been trapped in a life I didn't want for so long, I can't seem to find my way out of it.  It seems the moment I'm about to be free I find another locked door.  There are things in my life that hold me back.  Things that remind me over and over how unworthy, worthless, and unlovable I am.  I can't seem to break past that.  It's costing me my family, friends, and my life.  No matter how much I love God, and how much good I want to do for His Kingdom, life is not worth living if I don't matter. 

I know, I know, there are many in my life who think I matter.  You see, there lies the problem.  There are three things I long for more than anything in my life.  Three things I was created to be.  Without those things, nothing else matters to me.  One in particular ruins all hope I have.  It's the desire that lies behind my deepest pain.  The desire I can't seem to ignore or get rid of.  It's what keeps my soul in torment day after day.  If there was any weapon Satan could use to destroy me, this is it.  Nothing pierces sharper or deeper, or causes more pain, than my desire to be a daughter.  It lies at the core of everything I've ever wanted, and still want.  It's all that matters, and I'll never have it. 

So here I rest, lost in the dark of my own pain, giving up the hope that I'll see the light shine once again.  As I contradict everything I opened with, I am faced with a question...Can I learn to live with the pain, hopeless of ever feeling whole, or do I give up and lay down where I am?  How strong and brave am I really?  Because, to be honest, I don't know how much more I can endure, and I'm more afraid than I've ever been.   

A Prayer

http://youtu.be/3YxaaGgTQYM

"Bring Me To Life"(feat. Paul McCoy)

How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core where I’ve become so numb
Without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

now that I know what I’m without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

Bring me to life
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)
Bring me to life

frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
only you are the life among the dead

all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

(Bring me to life)
I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside
(Bring me to life)

A Daughter's Longing

I know no one ever cares to hear my thoughts, but I'll keep posting on things like this and Facebook, reguardless.  I guess I continue to selfishly hope someone cares enough to want to know things that are important to me.

Despite the health issues I have been fighting with, this weekend has been wonderful.  Mostly because the whole weekend has been spent with my new family.  They are so good to me.  I am so blessed that they want me and love me, even when I'm such a mess.  I LOVE being an aunt and a sister.  Spending time with them this weekend has renewed hope for the future.  I was born to have family.  It is all my heart longs for and craves.  It's all that matters to me.  Not money, fame, or a specific career.  I just want to spend the rest of my life growing old with family.  I don't think there is anything more priceless or meaningful than the idea God had for "family." 

Unfortunately, many don't get to experience family the way God intended.  My heart breaks for those, because I understand that kind of pain.  I know what that emptiness and loneliness feels like.  I know what it's like to not have anywhere you truly belong.  To have a last name that connects you to people who want nothing to do with you.  Being ashamed of who you are and where you come from.  Not having any memories of being held, loved on, played with, or being special-significant.  Rather, only remembering fear, hatred, and loneliness.  Always wondering what is wrong with you that you were not good enough to deserve what your friends had.  Why, no matter how hard you tried, you could never make them love you the way you needed to be loved.

People will think I'm horrible for saying this, but I envy some orphans.  I envy those who were given up, and later adopted by families that love them and want them.  I envy those who got to, or get to, experience being a daughter or a son in a way some of us will never know.  I would rather have been an orphan, than have parents, but not really have them.  Children can have a home yet be abandoned as an orphan.  However, the outside world sees children lucky to be in such a wonderful home.  They see a show.  They never witness what goes on when the curtains are drawn.  They don't see the abuse and lies.  They are blind to the child who is dying inside. 

I may be 25, but my heart still longs to be a daughter.  I fear that longing will never go away.  I don't know what I did to deserve this kind of pain?  To be punished and tortured daily?  God says I'm His daughter, yet He continually denies me.  He's no different than the parents I grew up with.  I keep crying out to be held and loved; to be special.  But He's too busy being God to be the dad I need.  I can never measure up to everyone else who is competing for His attention and love.  What I would give to know what it's like to have a father hold me in his arms, kiss me on the forehead, look me in the eyes, and call me his.  But, life is not a fairytale and dreams rarely come true.                    

Freedom to Speak

I was watching a movie today called, Speak.  It's about this girl who gets raped.  After this event, she ends up losing her friends, and frustrating teachers and parents.  No one knows or understands why her behavior has changed or what is wrong with her.  They all just know she is depressed, withdrawn, and they want nothing to do with her anymore.  She goes through the first year after her rape barely talking to anyone.  She barely even answers every day questions.  With the help and investment of a teacher, she ends up learning how to communicate through art.  Then through written words she finally shares her secret.  Eventually she was able to open up and start communicating again, but it took her a long time.  She went through a lot of pain alone before she could even speak and start some kind of healing process.

As I was watching this movie, I understood this girl.  I often feel trapped inside myself; inside my mind.  There are so many things I want to say, but can't.  No matter how hard you try the words won't come.  They are sitting in your throat ready to come out, but your throat is dry and your body won't let you communicate.  The words turn silent and unheard as they burry themselves deep inside.  

I have learned there are times I am able to get the words out through my hands (writing), rather than my mouth.  For whatever reason I can often write what I can't say out loud.  However, since my last life-altering event, there are many times, even through writing, I fail to communicate what gets locked inside.  It's that feeling that you are screaming but nothing is coming out...that cry in the alley at night that no one hears.  The unspoken words eat away at your heart, and corrupt your mind, as you are left alone to fight for survival.  At times you'll do anything to escape, no matter what the risk.  You find ways to scream when you are forced to be silent.  Usually those come in the form of addictions, or some kind of self-harm.  Some people can hear your silent screams through those actions.  Others remain ignorant and deaf. 

In the movie, those that were ignorant of this girl's problems continued to hurt her instead of help her.  Whether that be through their actions, condemning words, or simply doing nothing.  Yet, one teacher who refused to ignore her, who saw her pain and invested in her; he brought her back to life.  He helped her learn to speak again. 

I share this as the opening to my new blog to help you understand me and my posts.  I have a great need to communicate openly and freely.  I rarely feel safe enough to do so, but sometimes I go ahead and do it afraid.  If you aren't one that likes to read things that are true, honest, deep, and sometimes controversial or ugly, you don't want to read anything I post on here.  But if you are one, like me, who longs to hear and know what's real in the lives of those around you, then stay tuned.  I can promise you anything I write is as real and honest as it comes.  No lies, no games, no masks...just me.