Picking My Weeds But Keeping The Flowers

"I feel locked in a dark place all alone.  I'm screaming as loud as I can and no one hears.  No one even knows where I am.  I'm fighting so hard.  I just want out.  God please help me find a way out.  I'm laying on the floor surrounded by silence.  The only sound is my mind screaming my worthlessness at me.  I try to defend myself only to be struck down and destroyed by the lies I believe.  I'm out of strength to quiet my mind, need to release all that's inside.  What I see is all that reminds me I'm alive.  I lay quet now and close my eyes ready to give-up.  Is it too late?  Will God hang on?  Please God, come and deliver me."

14 months ago (July 2010) I wrote this during my last attempt to find hope.  After four Grace Encounter Journeys and 13 months of counseling it is safe to say that God NEVER let go.  He heard my cries and came to my rescue.  I never saw Him or heard His voice.  But, I did hear His truths spoken through others.  I saw His face of compassion in the eyes of those around me.  I felt His comforting touch through friends.  He poured His love and grace over me through new family.  The Holy Spirit nudges my heart which in turn influences my mind.  Little thoughts or feelings here and there...a glorious act of nature...a story of redemption and love...lives living out bold faith...getting excited about service...the words I read that God spoke to those who've come before us...these are the times I see and hear God.  It's in these times, that no matter the doubts, I can't help but turn to Him and thank Him for all He's done.  I can't help but be drawn to a cause greater than myself.  To desire a relationship with the God who breathed everything into being. 

14 months ago my heart ached to be with my "Father" in Heaven.  That longing has not supressed.  There are still days I fight to stay strong.  Times all I see is void and hopeless.  There are fears that still overwhelm.  Lies I struggle to replace.  I still turn back to old ways.  But now there is something inside me that has been rekindled.  A lifeless soul up from the grave.  I realize I was created with a purpose.  A calling I can't ignore.  My heart beats for my Maker.  My life was made to sing His praise and bring glory to His name.  I long to bring hope and healing to the wounded.  To shower love and grace over those who need to experience the goodness of God.  My heart may always be troubled.  The lies may never subside.  But I will hold fast and press on toward the goal that is God's.  I will do my best to live faithful, trusting, and courageous.  Hoping He has so much more planned for me than my feeble mind could ever create.  I am His and I will continue down this journey to find my true heart in Him.  Letting Him mold me and use me as He sees fit along the way.  Hoping one day I'll reach the end and find myself being held safe in His arms.              

"I could crash and burn, but maybe, at the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me...so here I go."

I'm a FIGHTER!

"It doesn't matter what you tried to do, you couldn't destroy me.  I'm still standing!  I'm still strong!  And I always will be," Antwone Fisher.

As some of you know, today I began a new challenge for myself over the course of the semester.  I will be focusing on one word a day, 5 days a week, from now through finals week December 12th, 2011.  I have put 64 words in a jar and will be randomly drawing one each day.  That day my focus will be on repeating the truth of that word, practicing the action (if applicable), as well as learning what that word means as it applies to myself and my life.  There are many hopes, reasons, or goals for doing this.  First, I need to learn to take life one day at a time focusing on the moment rather than the past or future.  Second, I hope to work on bettering the way I treat others, and especially the way I treat myself.  Third, I want to focus on God's truth rather than the enemy's lies.  All of this I want so that I may obtain the goal of taking a step (or two) forward in MY life.  Also, to take captive my thoughts and actions.  I know it won't be easy.  Some words I know I will come across are difficult to face.  Some truths are difficult to believe.  Some behaviors are especially difficult to have towards certain people.  But that's why we practice, isn't it?! 

As I said, today is day one of this new adventure.  I think the word I (or maybe God) chose today is the perfect word to kick start this whole thing.  My first word for today is 'FIGHTER.'  Thanks to someone very dear to me, I have a new theme song for my life, Fighter by Christina Aguilera.  I find the lyrics of this song perfect to celebrate what the start of this challenge means.  I've had several people in my life who have used and abused me; physically, sexually, mentally and emotionally.  Loved ones who have tried to make me insignificant, unworthy, shamed, hopeless, lost.  I've been made a hidden secret, a mere guilty pleasure, the cause of sinful actions.  I've been controlled, limited, and chained.  Some tried to keep me silent, believing lies instead of truth, as they lay blame and play the victim.  Others have tried to make me weak, unable to stand on my own, fully dependent on their control.  Well I'm here to say, it didn't work. 

At the root of every good thing I do, and every success I achieve, will be the hate you had for me and the pain you inflicted.  All of the pain, fears, unmet longings, disappointmens, demeaning words, broken pieces of my heart...all the times you lied to me...the things you stole from me...the countless nights I cried alone...these will be my strength to stand tall.  These will be what drives and motivates me to be different, to rise above.  I will no longer allow myself to be used and found worthless because of you.  God has used your sin to give me wings.  All the evil you did will only bring more glory to His name.  The story you helped create will be one that God uses to change lives, bring hope to the hopeless, and healing to the wounded.  I'm learning to break free from your chains.  One day I'll fly free, high above your destruction.  I may be your target, but you don't own me.  Your arrows may pierce and even bring pain, but they won't bring me down.  "I won't bend, I won't break. I won't back down,"  I will not be destroyed by your selfishness and greed.  I'm stronger than that.  I'm wiser.  I'm a fighter.  This is MY time.  This is MY life.                 

          You were there by my side, always down for the ride
          But your joy ride came down in flames cause your greed sold me out in shame
          Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do, I wouldn't know
          Just how capable I am to pull through
          Never saw it coming, all of your backstabbing
          Just so you could cash in on a good thing before I'd realize your game
          I heard you're going round play, the victim now
          But don't even begin feeling I'm the one to blame
          Cause you dug your own grave
          If it wasn't for all of your torture
          I wouldn't know how to be this way now and never back down
          Could only see the good in you
          Pretend not to know the truth
          You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
          Through living in denial
          But in the end you'll see
          YOU-WONT-STOP-ME
          I am a fighter and I
          I ain't gonna stop
          There is no turning back
          I've had enough