Searching to Find My Way Out

I should probably be going to bed, but I'm in a somber kind of mood.  Therefore music and some writing time is in order.  It's been a while since I've written anything.  This is a good thing as writing (in this sense) usually discourages me even more due to lack of response.  That empty feeling when you put yourself out there hoping someone will hear you, yet only silence echos back...I try to avoid that feeling.  Even so, I return back, setting myself up for disappointment.  And maybe the joy of writing in itself is enough to be worth it.  The hope that someone out there cares and wants to hear what I have to say, even if I say a bunch of nothing.  Maybe those who do listen and participate are the ones we call friends.  Those whom God places in our lives to love us when we are at our best and worst. The ones we can sit and say nothing to yet they still hear and understand.  Those lovely people who hope for your happiness and success, but stand beside you when the storms of life have you down.  Life is impossible without them.

This summer is sort of a new journey for me.  I have taken a break from school so I only have work to deal with.  Therefore, with all my spare time, my goal is to work on me.  I have health issues to take care of, a home to get in order, and A LOT of healing to do.  At the same time I want this summer to be a time of relaxation and fun.  A chance to deepen relationships with family and friends.  This is my opportunity to create a new life for myself; something I've been working on for months.  But, now I can really focus and put time into it.  As always my intentions are good, but as we all know nothing is ever as easy as it seems. 

In a way I miss school and being maxed out on stress because it keep me busy and my brain occupied.  Now that I've stopped it's as if the world has crashed down around me.  My heart is heavy as I reflect on the current situation of my life.  Twenty-six years of lies to overcome, healing from abuse I don't understand, mourning the loss of childhood dreams, and trying to pick up and create from the lowest I've been.  Lost so far in the darkness, light is not even visible.  Every time I find a glimpse of rays shining through another rock falls and hope is lost.  I feel like that's where I am now.  I had found my way out and was moving in the right direction.  As I got closer a bolder came crashing right in front of me, blocking my path to freedom.  Now here I sit, in the dark, trying to figure out my next move.  I'm alone.  Calling for help is pointless.  Most can't hear me, and those who are close enough to hear would rather plug their ears. 

You see this isn't the first time I've been in this position.  In fact, since losing my beloved "family," about four years ago, this has been the norm for my life.  It's amazing what abuse and the death of loved ones can do to a person.  Granted, the people I considered family didn't die, but when they completely disappear from your life never to be heard from or seen again, it's kind of the same as them being dead.  It's like ever since they left time just stood still and I've been stuck in this person that isn't me.  In this reality that doesn't really exist.  I'm not real; my life isn't real.  Time keeps passing by, I keep growing older, but I'm not moving/living.  Since getting help this has changed a lot, but it's a slow process probably due to my own stubborness and refusal to understand and accept truth.  Yet, when things are going well and you are improving then your mother decides to disown you and condemn you to hell, it's kind of hard to believe anything good about yourself.  To be told by the one person you've worked so hard to make proud, the one you looked to for love and approval...to be told by that person that you are evil and should burn in hell (for being honest)...for them to say they may consider getting help and working things out when hell freezes over...how does one deal with that?  How do you lose the only parent you have, not because they've died or left, but because they hate you, and not think there is something horribly wrong with who you are?  It's impossible to believe you are worthy of anything when those are the words and actions that play over and over in your head. 

I have a father who doesn't even acknowledge my existence, and a mother who wants and has nothing to do with me.  Yet I'm supposed to believe I'm worthy, beautiful, special, cherished, etc.  Please!  It's not possible!  If I were anything good I wouldn't be alone; I wouldn't be forgotten and neglected.  If I mattered, I wouldn't have been betrayed and left for dead.  And people wonder why I have a difficult time being "happy."  Put yourself in the battle I'm fighting daily then judge me.  Unless, you know what it's like to fight with yourself all the time, trying to hope and change, and make your life better, only to be met by feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness which are followed by whispers to end your life.  I go through every day exhausted and beaten down when the only thing I desire is to be loved and belong.  Imagine every time you slow down or stop your heart feels shattered and your emotions take over as you try to understand what's happened and why things are they way they are.  Then frustrated that things aren't better and you aren't happy, depression takes over.  Every time someone talks about their families my heart is crushed.  Every touch and look someone else gets leaves me envious and wanting.  I cry out to God and cannot find Him.  I long for Him and He is absent.  How do I even know if He is real?  I don't.  Am I wasting my time hoping, or is there really a chance at something more?  If there is, I want to take it.  But, if this is all there is, I'm ready to push the "Opt Out" button.  I know no one ever wants to hear that, but that's as true and real as it gets for me.  I think my last family took life from me and what little I had left has been recently destroyed by my mother.  Some days I wonder how I'm even still breathing.  Forget pain relief, I just want pain endurance.             

For all the words I can't say...

Who will cry for the little boy (changed it to "girl"...cause I'm not a boy)?
By Antwone Fisher

Who will cry for the little girl?
Lost and all alone.
Who will cry for the little girl?
Abandoned without her own?
Who will cry for the little girl?
She cried himself to sleep.
Who will cry for the little girl?
She never had for keeps.
Who will cry for the little girl?
She walked the burning sand
Who will cry for the little girl?
The girl inside the woman.
Who will cry for the little girl?
Who knows well hurt and pain
Who will cry for the little girl?
She died again and again.
Who will cry for the little girl?
A good girl she tried to be
Who will cry for the little girl?
Who cries inside of me.

(I know the answer is supossed to be me.  I'm just not there yet).


I miss Scott.  I wish I could miss my father, but I think I more miss not knowing what that's like.  I miss Wendy.  I miss having people to come home to.  I miss my cat.  I miss being close to my sister/best friend.  I miss my grandma.  And yes, I really miss my mom.  I hate being an orphan.  I hate needing and wanting things I can't have, especially at my age.  Most days I think I'd give anything if God would just take the pain away.  I know no one wants to hear it.  Everyone gets sick of me being sad and negative all the time.  If only people could see the emptiness inside.  If you could only know how hard I try.  Maybe more patience would be given to me. What I feel is real.  It hurts more than anyone far away can see.  You couldn't possibly understand until you've been in the same place I am.  I cry out daily trying to be heard.  But so often I'm met with an overwhelming silence.  The only voice I hear is the one inside my head, feeding lies hoping to destroy what little hope is left.  I know God can use my hurts to bring glory to His name.  And I try to give what I have to a purpose greater than myself.  But I want to be somebody worthy too.  Why I don't derseve the same love and attention those I know recieve, is beyond me.  I hate that He made me strong, when inside I'm so weak.  Maybe if I wasn't so strong I could have what I need.  I feel like I've been trying so hard to move forward and make positive changes, but lately it feels as if I'm being deprived of oxygen.  I need more time to breathe.           

Now despite those (Brock) who will say I'm writing this to manipulate some specific response or emotion, I am writing merely because I need to.  I need to be heard.  I do not expect any response from this.  My only reason for using this outlet is to safely express what I'm experiencing.  Writing is one of my coping skills, but it does nothing if it's not in a way that can be heard.  I need to be heard.  I want to be understood.  Mostly I just want to not be invisible.  This makes me feel less invisible.  So don't feel sorry for me because that's not what I need.  Don't judge me as that will only send me spiriling.  Just let me be me and love me as I am.  Be ok with my need to express myself in a real and honest way.  Trying to pretend to be someone I'm not, locking all my emotions inside, keeping silent...these things only hinder me.  I ask that you just support this unique part of myself.     

2012: A New Beginning

This is one of those De Javu moments.  That moment when you sit reminiscing on last year’s goals, realizing your goals this year are the same.  Does that mean nothing has changed?  Or is change a much longer process that the course of one year?  It’s interesting when I look back at my ‘New Year’ traditions.  Growing up I always had the mindset that this time (this year) things would be different.  I would be different.  As I got older I changed to the mindset of hating New Year resolutions.  I rather thought that change wasn’t a once a year thing.  It was something we should strive for daily.  Therefore, New Year resolutions were stupid.  This year I still agree that change is a daily thing and not something we’ll “try again next year.”  But, in light of recent events (talk about perfect timing), this year IS a NEW YEAR.  It is a year, where from the very beginning; my life is changing in a radical and drastic way.  This year is not just about some new found diet, some new desire for self-discovery, going deeper in religion, or whatever else people make as their resolutions.  More than that, this year is about breaking free from behind the bars of my cage and learning to spread my wings and soar.  It’s about putting an end to abusive relationships and engaging in healthier ones.  Maybe even a lesson or two on forgiveness and grace, if time allows.  It’s about truly allowing God to heal the wounds of my past.  It’s about learning to be on my own in EVERY way for the first time in my life.  This year is about tapping into the potential I have, moving past fear, and allowing God to shape me into the woman He wants me to be. 

As always, this is always great and inspiring to say, but a lot harder to actually do.  I know it’s going to be extremely difficult, it already is.  I also know I probably won’t get everything done in one year, and I most certainly won’t get all the way on each thing in one year.  But, the point is, that this year is when it all starts.  Granted, I’ve already started in the previous year, but now it’s really time to dig in.  To say I’m not scared would be a lie.  I’m already terrified of what’s ahead in just the next several weeks.  But a wise person once told me, “DO IT AFRAID!”  That’s my motto this year. 

For those of you who don’t know, I am officially an orphan. (And I’m not saying this to manipulate or make you feel sorry for me.  Just want to be real with what I’m struggling with).  Not that an adult like me should need parents, but when you’ve never really had them to begin with, it’s still difficult to swallow.  It has been 10 years since I have seen or heard from my father.  To my knowledge he has made no effort to find or know me, nor does he acknowledge that I exist.  On top of that, a few weeks ago, my mother decided she no longer wanted anything to do with me, and as far as I am concerned I am no longer her daughter.  I have begged her to go to counseling with me so we can work through things and develop a healthy relationship, but she refuses.  She has also turned other family members against me by twisting and lying about my words.  As a result of this she has shut off my phone, canceled my insurance and taken my car.  So now I am back living at the Ballards (out of boxes) until I can find a place in Columbia to rent.  I am also without a vehicle which prevents me from moving as I am borrowing one of the Ballards’ vehicles.  However, I am spending all my money on gas driving back and forth and am not making anything to save.  So it’s almost like I’m standing still rather than moving forward.  I also will only be taking a few hours of classes for school so I can work full time.  This sets my graduation back another semester.  I feel like I’m caught between a rock and a hard place.  So many unexpected changes that are all happening at once.  Life, as usual, is not going as planned or desired, but I am determined to make the best of it. 

I will not let this break me.  I’m determined to learn and grow from all of this and continue to become stronger.  I’m a fighter.  There are days I want to just quit and give up, but I know I’m better than that!  I still struggle with believing in myself and my worth.  I still have doubts that I have a future worth fighting for.  But, I’m learning.  Where it used to be all negative, there is now some positive that shines through.       

I’m going to need a lot of love, support, encouragement and accountability to get over the mountains I’m facing.  I need God to show aspects of Himself to me through His people.  I need to not be forgotten.  I can’t do this alone.  I know I have to do it on my own, but that doesn’t mean I have to go through it alone.  Please continue to pray for me and my relationships with my family.  I need wisdom, grace, patience, and forgiveness for the situation I’m in.  Also, pray for my relationship with God.  I’ve kind of cut Him out lately.  God, for me, so often represents those in my life who have abused and left me.  I can look to Him for others, but when it comes to me, I’ve kind of lost sight of Him.  I know I love Him, but I don’t know how to get to Him (if that makes sense). 

If you made it this far, thanks for listening.  It’s because of people like you that I know I’m going to be ok. 

Picking My Weeds But Keeping The Flowers

"I feel locked in a dark place all alone.  I'm screaming as loud as I can and no one hears.  No one even knows where I am.  I'm fighting so hard.  I just want out.  God please help me find a way out.  I'm laying on the floor surrounded by silence.  The only sound is my mind screaming my worthlessness at me.  I try to defend myself only to be struck down and destroyed by the lies I believe.  I'm out of strength to quiet my mind, need to release all that's inside.  What I see is all that reminds me I'm alive.  I lay quet now and close my eyes ready to give-up.  Is it too late?  Will God hang on?  Please God, come and deliver me."

14 months ago (July 2010) I wrote this during my last attempt to find hope.  After four Grace Encounter Journeys and 13 months of counseling it is safe to say that God NEVER let go.  He heard my cries and came to my rescue.  I never saw Him or heard His voice.  But, I did hear His truths spoken through others.  I saw His face of compassion in the eyes of those around me.  I felt His comforting touch through friends.  He poured His love and grace over me through new family.  The Holy Spirit nudges my heart which in turn influences my mind.  Little thoughts or feelings here and there...a glorious act of nature...a story of redemption and love...lives living out bold faith...getting excited about service...the words I read that God spoke to those who've come before us...these are the times I see and hear God.  It's in these times, that no matter the doubts, I can't help but turn to Him and thank Him for all He's done.  I can't help but be drawn to a cause greater than myself.  To desire a relationship with the God who breathed everything into being. 

14 months ago my heart ached to be with my "Father" in Heaven.  That longing has not supressed.  There are still days I fight to stay strong.  Times all I see is void and hopeless.  There are fears that still overwhelm.  Lies I struggle to replace.  I still turn back to old ways.  But now there is something inside me that has been rekindled.  A lifeless soul up from the grave.  I realize I was created with a purpose.  A calling I can't ignore.  My heart beats for my Maker.  My life was made to sing His praise and bring glory to His name.  I long to bring hope and healing to the wounded.  To shower love and grace over those who need to experience the goodness of God.  My heart may always be troubled.  The lies may never subside.  But I will hold fast and press on toward the goal that is God's.  I will do my best to live faithful, trusting, and courageous.  Hoping He has so much more planned for me than my feeble mind could ever create.  I am His and I will continue down this journey to find my true heart in Him.  Letting Him mold me and use me as He sees fit along the way.  Hoping one day I'll reach the end and find myself being held safe in His arms.              

"I could crash and burn, but maybe, at the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me...so here I go."

I'm a FIGHTER!

"It doesn't matter what you tried to do, you couldn't destroy me.  I'm still standing!  I'm still strong!  And I always will be," Antwone Fisher.

As some of you know, today I began a new challenge for myself over the course of the semester.  I will be focusing on one word a day, 5 days a week, from now through finals week December 12th, 2011.  I have put 64 words in a jar and will be randomly drawing one each day.  That day my focus will be on repeating the truth of that word, practicing the action (if applicable), as well as learning what that word means as it applies to myself and my life.  There are many hopes, reasons, or goals for doing this.  First, I need to learn to take life one day at a time focusing on the moment rather than the past or future.  Second, I hope to work on bettering the way I treat others, and especially the way I treat myself.  Third, I want to focus on God's truth rather than the enemy's lies.  All of this I want so that I may obtain the goal of taking a step (or two) forward in MY life.  Also, to take captive my thoughts and actions.  I know it won't be easy.  Some words I know I will come across are difficult to face.  Some truths are difficult to believe.  Some behaviors are especially difficult to have towards certain people.  But that's why we practice, isn't it?! 

As I said, today is day one of this new adventure.  I think the word I (or maybe God) chose today is the perfect word to kick start this whole thing.  My first word for today is 'FIGHTER.'  Thanks to someone very dear to me, I have a new theme song for my life, Fighter by Christina Aguilera.  I find the lyrics of this song perfect to celebrate what the start of this challenge means.  I've had several people in my life who have used and abused me; physically, sexually, mentally and emotionally.  Loved ones who have tried to make me insignificant, unworthy, shamed, hopeless, lost.  I've been made a hidden secret, a mere guilty pleasure, the cause of sinful actions.  I've been controlled, limited, and chained.  Some tried to keep me silent, believing lies instead of truth, as they lay blame and play the victim.  Others have tried to make me weak, unable to stand on my own, fully dependent on their control.  Well I'm here to say, it didn't work. 

At the root of every good thing I do, and every success I achieve, will be the hate you had for me and the pain you inflicted.  All of the pain, fears, unmet longings, disappointmens, demeaning words, broken pieces of my heart...all the times you lied to me...the things you stole from me...the countless nights I cried alone...these will be my strength to stand tall.  These will be what drives and motivates me to be different, to rise above.  I will no longer allow myself to be used and found worthless because of you.  God has used your sin to give me wings.  All the evil you did will only bring more glory to His name.  The story you helped create will be one that God uses to change lives, bring hope to the hopeless, and healing to the wounded.  I'm learning to break free from your chains.  One day I'll fly free, high above your destruction.  I may be your target, but you don't own me.  Your arrows may pierce and even bring pain, but they won't bring me down.  "I won't bend, I won't break. I won't back down,"  I will not be destroyed by your selfishness and greed.  I'm stronger than that.  I'm wiser.  I'm a fighter.  This is MY time.  This is MY life.                 

          You were there by my side, always down for the ride
          But your joy ride came down in flames cause your greed sold me out in shame
          Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do, I wouldn't know
          Just how capable I am to pull through
          Never saw it coming, all of your backstabbing
          Just so you could cash in on a good thing before I'd realize your game
          I heard you're going round play, the victim now
          But don't even begin feeling I'm the one to blame
          Cause you dug your own grave
          If it wasn't for all of your torture
          I wouldn't know how to be this way now and never back down
          Could only see the good in you
          Pretend not to know the truth
          You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
          Through living in denial
          But in the end you'll see
          YOU-WONT-STOP-ME
          I am a fighter and I
          I ain't gonna stop
          There is no turning back
          I've had enough
        


         

 

Finding Wings: The Father Issue

This may be a little jumbled and random, but I am too tired tonight to be perfect.  I have been reflecting on a lot lately.  I'm in the process of trying to make some changes for myself and my life.  My mind has been overflowing with thoughts, plans, desires, wants, needs, etc.  It's making it difficult to concentrate on anything else.  Tonight especially, I've been trying to catch up on some homework.  However,I can only seem to keep my mind on one thing, my father. 

I've been contemplating what life would be like if he was around; if he wanted me.  I wonder what he is doing, where he lives, and what his new family is like.  I wonder how he is with his children he kept.  I wonder what he would be like with a daughter; with me.  I wonder if he has another daughter, or if I'm his only one.  If he was here, would we be able to talk about anything, even if it wasn't important?  Would he ever hold me?  Would he call me beautiful?  Would I be his? 

It's been nine years, this month, since I have seen or heard from him.  I often wonder what it would be like to be excited about marriage rather than afraid, because I know my father won't be there to walk me down the isle.  Or what it would be like to have the security in knowing, if my car breaks down I have someone to call.  When I need something fixed, or need protection from a boy, who will be there?  Until a little over two years ago, I had someone who did all those things.  God brought me someone who wanted to be there for me when I needed, talked with me for hours about anything, played games with me, warned me about boys, swore to protect me, stayed up with me, held me, kissed me on the forehead, and called me daughter.  But he left too, and now, once again, I'm left defenseless and scared; left searching, wanting, and hoping for something that's not there.   

To live in reality for a moment, I know 'maybe' didn't happen.  I'll probably never know what could have been.  The pain and emptiness of the situation sucks.  But, if for nothing else, I am thankful that I can now know and understand hurts that not everyone can.  I will face my own demons, and heal from my own wounds, so some day I can help another girl like me find her wings.  And when she does I'll get to watch her soar.  I imagine that would be a beautiful sight to behold.  Maybe it's worth the pain just to see who I might become, and to see how God can use a mess like me.