Searching to Find My Way Out

I should probably be going to bed, but I'm in a somber kind of mood.  Therefore music and some writing time is in order.  It's been a while since I've written anything.  This is a good thing as writing (in this sense) usually discourages me even more due to lack of response.  That empty feeling when you put yourself out there hoping someone will hear you, yet only silence echos back...I try to avoid that feeling.  Even so, I return back, setting myself up for disappointment.  And maybe the joy of writing in itself is enough to be worth it.  The hope that someone out there cares and wants to hear what I have to say, even if I say a bunch of nothing.  Maybe those who do listen and participate are the ones we call friends.  Those whom God places in our lives to love us when we are at our best and worst. The ones we can sit and say nothing to yet they still hear and understand.  Those lovely people who hope for your happiness and success, but stand beside you when the storms of life have you down.  Life is impossible without them.

This summer is sort of a new journey for me.  I have taken a break from school so I only have work to deal with.  Therefore, with all my spare time, my goal is to work on me.  I have health issues to take care of, a home to get in order, and A LOT of healing to do.  At the same time I want this summer to be a time of relaxation and fun.  A chance to deepen relationships with family and friends.  This is my opportunity to create a new life for myself; something I've been working on for months.  But, now I can really focus and put time into it.  As always my intentions are good, but as we all know nothing is ever as easy as it seems. 

In a way I miss school and being maxed out on stress because it keep me busy and my brain occupied.  Now that I've stopped it's as if the world has crashed down around me.  My heart is heavy as I reflect on the current situation of my life.  Twenty-six years of lies to overcome, healing from abuse I don't understand, mourning the loss of childhood dreams, and trying to pick up and create from the lowest I've been.  Lost so far in the darkness, light is not even visible.  Every time I find a glimpse of rays shining through another rock falls and hope is lost.  I feel like that's where I am now.  I had found my way out and was moving in the right direction.  As I got closer a bolder came crashing right in front of me, blocking my path to freedom.  Now here I sit, in the dark, trying to figure out my next move.  I'm alone.  Calling for help is pointless.  Most can't hear me, and those who are close enough to hear would rather plug their ears. 

You see this isn't the first time I've been in this position.  In fact, since losing my beloved "family," about four years ago, this has been the norm for my life.  It's amazing what abuse and the death of loved ones can do to a person.  Granted, the people I considered family didn't die, but when they completely disappear from your life never to be heard from or seen again, it's kind of the same as them being dead.  It's like ever since they left time just stood still and I've been stuck in this person that isn't me.  In this reality that doesn't really exist.  I'm not real; my life isn't real.  Time keeps passing by, I keep growing older, but I'm not moving/living.  Since getting help this has changed a lot, but it's a slow process probably due to my own stubborness and refusal to understand and accept truth.  Yet, when things are going well and you are improving then your mother decides to disown you and condemn you to hell, it's kind of hard to believe anything good about yourself.  To be told by the one person you've worked so hard to make proud, the one you looked to for love and approval...to be told by that person that you are evil and should burn in hell (for being honest)...for them to say they may consider getting help and working things out when hell freezes over...how does one deal with that?  How do you lose the only parent you have, not because they've died or left, but because they hate you, and not think there is something horribly wrong with who you are?  It's impossible to believe you are worthy of anything when those are the words and actions that play over and over in your head. 

I have a father who doesn't even acknowledge my existence, and a mother who wants and has nothing to do with me.  Yet I'm supposed to believe I'm worthy, beautiful, special, cherished, etc.  Please!  It's not possible!  If I were anything good I wouldn't be alone; I wouldn't be forgotten and neglected.  If I mattered, I wouldn't have been betrayed and left for dead.  And people wonder why I have a difficult time being "happy."  Put yourself in the battle I'm fighting daily then judge me.  Unless, you know what it's like to fight with yourself all the time, trying to hope and change, and make your life better, only to be met by feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness which are followed by whispers to end your life.  I go through every day exhausted and beaten down when the only thing I desire is to be loved and belong.  Imagine every time you slow down or stop your heart feels shattered and your emotions take over as you try to understand what's happened and why things are they way they are.  Then frustrated that things aren't better and you aren't happy, depression takes over.  Every time someone talks about their families my heart is crushed.  Every touch and look someone else gets leaves me envious and wanting.  I cry out to God and cannot find Him.  I long for Him and He is absent.  How do I even know if He is real?  I don't.  Am I wasting my time hoping, or is there really a chance at something more?  If there is, I want to take it.  But, if this is all there is, I'm ready to push the "Opt Out" button.  I know no one ever wants to hear that, but that's as true and real as it gets for me.  I think my last family took life from me and what little I had left has been recently destroyed by my mother.  Some days I wonder how I'm even still breathing.  Forget pain relief, I just want pain endurance.