I know no one ever cares to hear my thoughts, but I'll keep posting on things like this and Facebook, reguardless. I guess I continue to selfishly hope someone cares enough to want to know things that are important to me.
Despite the health issues I have been fighting with, this weekend has been wonderful. Mostly because the whole weekend has been spent with my new family. They are so good to me. I am so blessed that they want me and love me, even when I'm such a mess. I LOVE being an aunt and a sister. Spending time with them this weekend has renewed hope for the future. I was born to have family. It is all my heart longs for and craves. It's all that matters to me. Not money, fame, or a specific career. I just want to spend the rest of my life growing old with family. I don't think there is anything more priceless or meaningful than the idea God had for "family."
Unfortunately, many don't get to experience family the way God intended. My heart breaks for those, because I understand that kind of pain. I know what that emptiness and loneliness feels like. I know what it's like to not have anywhere you truly belong. To have a last name that connects you to people who want nothing to do with you. Being ashamed of who you are and where you come from. Not having any memories of being held, loved on, played with, or being special-significant. Rather, only remembering fear, hatred, and loneliness. Always wondering what is wrong with you that you were not good enough to deserve what your friends had. Why, no matter how hard you tried, you could never make them love you the way you needed to be loved.
People will think I'm horrible for saying this, but I envy some orphans. I envy those who were given up, and later adopted by families that love them and want them. I envy those who got to, or get to, experience being a daughter or a son in a way some of us will never know. I would rather have been an orphan, than have parents, but not really have them. Children can have a home yet be abandoned as an orphan. However, the outside world sees children lucky to be in such a wonderful home. They see a show. They never witness what goes on when the curtains are drawn. They don't see the abuse and lies. They are blind to the child who is dying inside.
I may be 25, but my heart still longs to be a daughter. I fear that longing will never go away. I don't know what I did to deserve this kind of pain? To be punished and tortured daily? God says I'm His daughter, yet He continually denies me. He's no different than the parents I grew up with. I keep crying out to be held and loved; to be special. But He's too busy being God to be the dad I need. I can never measure up to everyone else who is competing for His attention and love. What I would give to know what it's like to have a father hold me in his arms, kiss me on the forehead, look me in the eyes, and call me his. But, life is not a fairytale and dreams rarely come true.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Freedom to Speak
I was watching a movie today called, Speak. It's about this girl who gets raped. After this event, she ends up losing her friends, and frustrating teachers and parents. No one knows or understands why her behavior has changed or what is wrong with her. They all just know she is depressed, withdrawn, and they want nothing to do with her anymore. She goes through the first year after her rape barely talking to anyone. She barely even answers every day questions. With the help and investment of a teacher, she ends up learning how to communicate through art. Then through written words she finally shares her secret. Eventually she was able to open up and start communicating again, but it took her a long time. She went through a lot of pain alone before she could even speak and start some kind of healing process.
As I was watching this movie, I understood this girl. I often feel trapped inside myself; inside my mind. There are so many things I want to say, but can't. No matter how hard you try the words won't come. They are sitting in your throat ready to come out, but your throat is dry and your body won't let you communicate. The words turn silent and unheard as they burry themselves deep inside.
I have learned there are times I am able to get the words out through my hands (writing), rather than my mouth. For whatever reason I can often write what I can't say out loud. However, since my last life-altering event, there are many times, even through writing, I fail to communicate what gets locked inside. It's that feeling that you are screaming but nothing is coming out...that cry in the alley at night that no one hears. The unspoken words eat away at your heart, and corrupt your mind, as you are left alone to fight for survival. At times you'll do anything to escape, no matter what the risk. You find ways to scream when you are forced to be silent. Usually those come in the form of addictions, or some kind of self-harm. Some people can hear your silent screams through those actions. Others remain ignorant and deaf.
In the movie, those that were ignorant of this girl's problems continued to hurt her instead of help her. Whether that be through their actions, condemning words, or simply doing nothing. Yet, one teacher who refused to ignore her, who saw her pain and invested in her; he brought her back to life. He helped her learn to speak again.
I share this as the opening to my new blog to help you understand me and my posts. I have a great need to communicate openly and freely. I rarely feel safe enough to do so, but sometimes I go ahead and do it afraid. If you aren't one that likes to read things that are true, honest, deep, and sometimes controversial or ugly, you don't want to read anything I post on here. But if you are one, like me, who longs to hear and know what's real in the lives of those around you, then stay tuned. I can promise you anything I write is as real and honest as it comes. No lies, no games, no masks...just me.
As I was watching this movie, I understood this girl. I often feel trapped inside myself; inside my mind. There are so many things I want to say, but can't. No matter how hard you try the words won't come. They are sitting in your throat ready to come out, but your throat is dry and your body won't let you communicate. The words turn silent and unheard as they burry themselves deep inside.
I have learned there are times I am able to get the words out through my hands (writing), rather than my mouth. For whatever reason I can often write what I can't say out loud. However, since my last life-altering event, there are many times, even through writing, I fail to communicate what gets locked inside. It's that feeling that you are screaming but nothing is coming out...that cry in the alley at night that no one hears. The unspoken words eat away at your heart, and corrupt your mind, as you are left alone to fight for survival. At times you'll do anything to escape, no matter what the risk. You find ways to scream when you are forced to be silent. Usually those come in the form of addictions, or some kind of self-harm. Some people can hear your silent screams through those actions. Others remain ignorant and deaf.
In the movie, those that were ignorant of this girl's problems continued to hurt her instead of help her. Whether that be through their actions, condemning words, or simply doing nothing. Yet, one teacher who refused to ignore her, who saw her pain and invested in her; he brought her back to life. He helped her learn to speak again.
I share this as the opening to my new blog to help you understand me and my posts. I have a great need to communicate openly and freely. I rarely feel safe enough to do so, but sometimes I go ahead and do it afraid. If you aren't one that likes to read things that are true, honest, deep, and sometimes controversial or ugly, you don't want to read anything I post on here. But if you are one, like me, who longs to hear and know what's real in the lives of those around you, then stay tuned. I can promise you anything I write is as real and honest as it comes. No lies, no games, no masks...just me.
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