A Daughter's Longing

I know no one ever cares to hear my thoughts, but I'll keep posting on things like this and Facebook, reguardless.  I guess I continue to selfishly hope someone cares enough to want to know things that are important to me.

Despite the health issues I have been fighting with, this weekend has been wonderful.  Mostly because the whole weekend has been spent with my new family.  They are so good to me.  I am so blessed that they want me and love me, even when I'm such a mess.  I LOVE being an aunt and a sister.  Spending time with them this weekend has renewed hope for the future.  I was born to have family.  It is all my heart longs for and craves.  It's all that matters to me.  Not money, fame, or a specific career.  I just want to spend the rest of my life growing old with family.  I don't think there is anything more priceless or meaningful than the idea God had for "family." 

Unfortunately, many don't get to experience family the way God intended.  My heart breaks for those, because I understand that kind of pain.  I know what that emptiness and loneliness feels like.  I know what it's like to not have anywhere you truly belong.  To have a last name that connects you to people who want nothing to do with you.  Being ashamed of who you are and where you come from.  Not having any memories of being held, loved on, played with, or being special-significant.  Rather, only remembering fear, hatred, and loneliness.  Always wondering what is wrong with you that you were not good enough to deserve what your friends had.  Why, no matter how hard you tried, you could never make them love you the way you needed to be loved.

People will think I'm horrible for saying this, but I envy some orphans.  I envy those who were given up, and later adopted by families that love them and want them.  I envy those who got to, or get to, experience being a daughter or a son in a way some of us will never know.  I would rather have been an orphan, than have parents, but not really have them.  Children can have a home yet be abandoned as an orphan.  However, the outside world sees children lucky to be in such a wonderful home.  They see a show.  They never witness what goes on when the curtains are drawn.  They don't see the abuse and lies.  They are blind to the child who is dying inside. 

I may be 25, but my heart still longs to be a daughter.  I fear that longing will never go away.  I don't know what I did to deserve this kind of pain?  To be punished and tortured daily?  God says I'm His daughter, yet He continually denies me.  He's no different than the parents I grew up with.  I keep crying out to be held and loved; to be special.  But He's too busy being God to be the dad I need.  I can never measure up to everyone else who is competing for His attention and love.  What I would give to know what it's like to have a father hold me in his arms, kiss me on the forehead, look me in the eyes, and call me his.  But, life is not a fairytale and dreams rarely come true.