Freedom to Speak

I was watching a movie today called, Speak.  It's about this girl who gets raped.  After this event, she ends up losing her friends, and frustrating teachers and parents.  No one knows or understands why her behavior has changed or what is wrong with her.  They all just know she is depressed, withdrawn, and they want nothing to do with her anymore.  She goes through the first year after her rape barely talking to anyone.  She barely even answers every day questions.  With the help and investment of a teacher, she ends up learning how to communicate through art.  Then through written words she finally shares her secret.  Eventually she was able to open up and start communicating again, but it took her a long time.  She went through a lot of pain alone before she could even speak and start some kind of healing process.

As I was watching this movie, I understood this girl.  I often feel trapped inside myself; inside my mind.  There are so many things I want to say, but can't.  No matter how hard you try the words won't come.  They are sitting in your throat ready to come out, but your throat is dry and your body won't let you communicate.  The words turn silent and unheard as they burry themselves deep inside.  

I have learned there are times I am able to get the words out through my hands (writing), rather than my mouth.  For whatever reason I can often write what I can't say out loud.  However, since my last life-altering event, there are many times, even through writing, I fail to communicate what gets locked inside.  It's that feeling that you are screaming but nothing is coming out...that cry in the alley at night that no one hears.  The unspoken words eat away at your heart, and corrupt your mind, as you are left alone to fight for survival.  At times you'll do anything to escape, no matter what the risk.  You find ways to scream when you are forced to be silent.  Usually those come in the form of addictions, or some kind of self-harm.  Some people can hear your silent screams through those actions.  Others remain ignorant and deaf. 

In the movie, those that were ignorant of this girl's problems continued to hurt her instead of help her.  Whether that be through their actions, condemning words, or simply doing nothing.  Yet, one teacher who refused to ignore her, who saw her pain and invested in her; he brought her back to life.  He helped her learn to speak again. 

I share this as the opening to my new blog to help you understand me and my posts.  I have a great need to communicate openly and freely.  I rarely feel safe enough to do so, but sometimes I go ahead and do it afraid.  If you aren't one that likes to read things that are true, honest, deep, and sometimes controversial or ugly, you don't want to read anything I post on here.  But if you are one, like me, who longs to hear and know what's real in the lives of those around you, then stay tuned.  I can promise you anything I write is as real and honest as it comes.  No lies, no games, no masks...just me.