"I feel locked in a dark place all alone. I'm screaming as loud as I can and no one hears. No one even knows where I am. I'm fighting so hard. I just want out. God please help me find a way out. I'm laying on the floor surrounded by silence. The only sound is my mind screaming my worthlessness at me. I try to defend myself only to be struck down and destroyed by the lies I believe. I'm out of strength to quiet my mind, need to release all that's inside. What I see is all that reminds me I'm alive. I lay quet now and close my eyes ready to give-up. Is it too late? Will God hang on? Please God, come and deliver me."
14 months ago (July 2010) I wrote this during my last attempt to find hope. After four Grace Encounter Journeys and 13 months of counseling it is safe to say that God NEVER let go. He heard my cries and came to my rescue. I never saw Him or heard His voice. But, I did hear His truths spoken through others. I saw His face of compassion in the eyes of those around me. I felt His comforting touch through friends. He poured His love and grace over me through new family. The Holy Spirit nudges my heart which in turn influences my mind. Little thoughts or feelings here and there...a glorious act of nature...a story of redemption and love...lives living out bold faith...getting excited about service...the words I read that God spoke to those who've come before us...these are the times I see and hear God. It's in these times, that no matter the doubts, I can't help but turn to Him and thank Him for all He's done. I can't help but be drawn to a cause greater than myself. To desire a relationship with the God who breathed everything into being.
14 months ago my heart ached to be with my "Father" in Heaven. That longing has not supressed. There are still days I fight to stay strong. Times all I see is void and hopeless. There are fears that still overwhelm. Lies I struggle to replace. I still turn back to old ways. But now there is something inside me that has been rekindled. A lifeless soul up from the grave. I realize I was created with a purpose. A calling I can't ignore. My heart beats for my Maker. My life was made to sing His praise and bring glory to His name. I long to bring hope and healing to the wounded. To shower love and grace over those who need to experience the goodness of God. My heart may always be troubled. The lies may never subside. But I will hold fast and press on toward the goal that is God's. I will do my best to live faithful, trusting, and courageous. Hoping He has so much more planned for me than my feeble mind could ever create. I am His and I will continue down this journey to find my true heart in Him. Letting Him mold me and use me as He sees fit along the way. Hoping one day I'll reach the end and find myself being held safe in His arms.
"I could crash and burn, but maybe, at the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me...so here I go."
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