Somewhere in between...

If you know me, you should know by now, I am more open in my writing than any other time.  Often my openness risks so much, especially with those I care about, and want to care about me.  People often don't like to hear truth, myself included.  Especially when that truth is ugly, uncomfortable, etc..  It's easy to be ok; to want to hear and say all good things.  It's not so easy or wonderful to talk about pain or unhappiness.  As Christians, especially, we want to hear about God's faithfulness, not how we are questioning things He says.  Yet, none of us are perfect, we all have struggles, and life is often messy. 

To quote Michael Yaconelli, "My life is a mess...Right now the only consistency in my life is my inconsistency.  Who I want to be and who I am are not very close together."  "Our churches are filled with people who outwardly look contented and at peace but inwardly are crying out for someone to love them...just as they are--confused, frustrated, often frightened, guilty, and often unable to communicate even within their own families.  But the other people in the church look so happy and contented that one seldom has the courage to admit his own deep needs before such a self-sufficient group as the average church meeting appears to be," Keith Miller. 

One thing I'm often told is that I'm strong.  Also, I've learned in the last year that I am brave.  Someone who is strong and brave has the likelihood of being courageous.  So, courageous I will be.  I will share my heart, no matter how ugly or beautiful, no matter the risk, no matter who may see it.  You'll either like me or hate me.  As I've learned from someone dear to me, either is ok.  It's your choice.  I will strive to be ME, regardless. 

As some of you may know, I am on a new path of self discovery.  I've spent my whole life being who everyone else has wanted me to be, trying to prove myself worthy.  I have never taken the time to just be me, the me God made, whoever she may be.  Well, it's finally time to stop pretending, and live the life God intended for me.  If only it were that easy.

You see, it's difficult to discover who God made me to be when I can't get past the me I've become.  I've been trapped in a life I didn't want for so long, I can't seem to find my way out of it.  It seems the moment I'm about to be free I find another locked door.  There are things in my life that hold me back.  Things that remind me over and over how unworthy, worthless, and unlovable I am.  I can't seem to break past that.  It's costing me my family, friends, and my life.  No matter how much I love God, and how much good I want to do for His Kingdom, life is not worth living if I don't matter. 

I know, I know, there are many in my life who think I matter.  You see, there lies the problem.  There are three things I long for more than anything in my life.  Three things I was created to be.  Without those things, nothing else matters to me.  One in particular ruins all hope I have.  It's the desire that lies behind my deepest pain.  The desire I can't seem to ignore or get rid of.  It's what keeps my soul in torment day after day.  If there was any weapon Satan could use to destroy me, this is it.  Nothing pierces sharper or deeper, or causes more pain, than my desire to be a daughter.  It lies at the core of everything I've ever wanted, and still want.  It's all that matters, and I'll never have it. 

So here I rest, lost in the dark of my own pain, giving up the hope that I'll see the light shine once again.  As I contradict everything I opened with, I am faced with a question...Can I learn to live with the pain, hopeless of ever feeling whole, or do I give up and lay down where I am?  How strong and brave am I really?  Because, to be honest, I don't know how much more I can endure, and I'm more afraid than I've ever been.