Finding Wings: The Father Issue

This may be a little jumbled and random, but I am too tired tonight to be perfect.  I have been reflecting on a lot lately.  I'm in the process of trying to make some changes for myself and my life.  My mind has been overflowing with thoughts, plans, desires, wants, needs, etc.  It's making it difficult to concentrate on anything else.  Tonight especially, I've been trying to catch up on some homework.  However,I can only seem to keep my mind on one thing, my father. 

I've been contemplating what life would be like if he was around; if he wanted me.  I wonder what he is doing, where he lives, and what his new family is like.  I wonder how he is with his children he kept.  I wonder what he would be like with a daughter; with me.  I wonder if he has another daughter, or if I'm his only one.  If he was here, would we be able to talk about anything, even if it wasn't important?  Would he ever hold me?  Would he call me beautiful?  Would I be his? 

It's been nine years, this month, since I have seen or heard from him.  I often wonder what it would be like to be excited about marriage rather than afraid, because I know my father won't be there to walk me down the isle.  Or what it would be like to have the security in knowing, if my car breaks down I have someone to call.  When I need something fixed, or need protection from a boy, who will be there?  Until a little over two years ago, I had someone who did all those things.  God brought me someone who wanted to be there for me when I needed, talked with me for hours about anything, played games with me, warned me about boys, swore to protect me, stayed up with me, held me, kissed me on the forehead, and called me daughter.  But he left too, and now, once again, I'm left defenseless and scared; left searching, wanting, and hoping for something that's not there.   

To live in reality for a moment, I know 'maybe' didn't happen.  I'll probably never know what could have been.  The pain and emptiness of the situation sucks.  But, if for nothing else, I am thankful that I can now know and understand hurts that not everyone can.  I will face my own demons, and heal from my own wounds, so some day I can help another girl like me find her wings.  And when she does I'll get to watch her soar.  I imagine that would be a beautiful sight to behold.  Maybe it's worth the pain just to see who I might become, and to see how God can use a mess like me.