This is one of those De Javu moments. That moment when you sit reminiscing on last year’s goals, realizing your goals this year are the same. Does that mean nothing has changed? Or is change a much longer process that the course of one year? It’s interesting when I look back at my ‘New Year’ traditions. Growing up I always had the mindset that this time (this year) things would be different. I would be different. As I got older I changed to the mindset of hating New Year resolutions. I rather thought that change wasn’t a once a year thing. It was something we should strive for daily. Therefore, New Year resolutions were stupid. This year I still agree that change is a daily thing and not something we’ll “try again next year.” But, in light of recent events (talk about perfect timing), this year IS a NEW YEAR. It is a year, where from the very beginning; my life is changing in a radical and drastic way. This year is not just about some new found diet, some new desire for self-discovery, going deeper in religion, or whatever else people make as their resolutions. More than that, this year is about breaking free from behind the bars of my cage and learning to spread my wings and soar. It’s about putting an end to abusive relationships and engaging in healthier ones. Maybe even a lesson or two on forgiveness and grace, if time allows. It’s about truly allowing God to heal the wounds of my past. It’s about learning to be on my own in EVERY way for the first time in my life. This year is about tapping into the potential I have, moving past fear, and allowing God to shape me into the woman He wants me to be.
As always, this is always great and inspiring to say, but a lot harder to actually do. I know it’s going to be extremely difficult, it already is. I also know I probably won’t get everything done in one year, and I most certainly won’t get all the way on each thing in one year. But, the point is, that this year is when it all starts. Granted, I’ve already started in the previous year, but now it’s really time to dig in. To say I’m not scared would be a lie. I’m already terrified of what’s ahead in just the next several weeks. But a wise person once told me, “DO IT AFRAID!” That’s my motto this year.
For those of you who don’t know, I am officially an orphan. (And I’m not saying this to manipulate or make you feel sorry for me. Just want to be real with what I’m struggling with). Not that an adult like me should need parents, but when you’ve never really had them to begin with, it’s still difficult to swallow. It has been 10 years since I have seen or heard from my father. To my knowledge he has made no effort to find or know me, nor does he acknowledge that I exist. On top of that, a few weeks ago, my mother decided she no longer wanted anything to do with me, and as far as I am concerned I am no longer her daughter. I have begged her to go to counseling with me so we can work through things and develop a healthy relationship, but she refuses. She has also turned other family members against me by twisting and lying about my words. As a result of this she has shut off my phone, canceled my insurance and taken my car. So now I am back living at the Ballards (out of boxes) until I can find a place in Columbia to rent. I am also without a vehicle which prevents me from moving as I am borrowing one of the Ballards’ vehicles. However, I am spending all my money on gas driving back and forth and am not making anything to save. So it’s almost like I’m standing still rather than moving forward. I also will only be taking a few hours of classes for school so I can work full time. This sets my graduation back another semester. I feel like I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. So many unexpected changes that are all happening at once. Life, as usual, is not going as planned or desired, but I am determined to make the best of it.
I will not let this break me. I’m determined to learn and grow from all of this and continue to become stronger. I’m a fighter. There are days I want to just quit and give up, but I know I’m better than that! I still struggle with believing in myself and my worth. I still have doubts that I have a future worth fighting for. But, I’m learning. Where it used to be all negative, there is now some positive that shines through.
I’m going to need a lot of love, support, encouragement and accountability to get over the mountains I’m facing. I need God to show aspects of Himself to me through His people. I need to not be forgotten. I can’t do this alone. I know I have to do it on my own, but that doesn’t mean I have to go through it alone. Please continue to pray for me and my relationships with my family. I need wisdom, grace, patience, and forgiveness for the situation I’m in. Also, pray for my relationship with God. I’ve kind of cut Him out lately. God, for me, so often represents those in my life who have abused and left me. I can look to Him for others, but when it comes to me, I’ve kind of lost sight of Him. I know I love Him, but I don’t know how to get to Him (if that makes sense).
If you made it this far, thanks for listening. It’s because of people like you that I know I’m going to be ok.
Way to to Girly. You are not alnoe as you walk this path.
ReplyDelete